I know that God won't give me more then I can handle, but too often it feels like I should be made of iron. We have had so much going on at home for too long. DH has been so sick for 3 years with no real answers in sight that when Lucy got sick, it left me way too close to the end of my rope. No matter how sucky everything got, Lucy was always the 1 consistent and predictable thing in my life. I knew that no matter what, she'd be there. I knew that I'd always have to take a HUGE step over her to get through the kitchen and that when I flicked my pizza crust in the air (without even looking) it would never hit the ground. I knew that she would always smile at me when I got home from work,and when life in general sucked, I'd have a ton of furry face dropped in my lap. She gave the best hugs and listened always and whenver I was having a bad day, she just knew...and was far too content with receiving nothing in return. I Loved her more then I even realized...and then she was gone and I was left with nothing consistent or predictable to hold on to. So there I stood at the end of my rope, surrounded by emptiness and the only memory I had of her was her last 3 minutes. I'd try to remember the good, but instead it was only the awful that came flooding through. She dropped only seconds before I walked through the door. Her heart was beating, but her pupils were fully dialated and her head was lifting and dropping slowy with her eyes and mouth wide open...and her blood pressure was so low that even though I begged them to let her go, they couldn't get the needle in and I had to watch my beautiful girl die. Did she know I was there?? Did she wait for me and by consequence suffer till the end? Or was she already gone and I let her die alone with strangers? That's not how I want to remember my beautiful girl and owed her so much more then that.
The next thing I have to face is the reality that as great as my vet is...eventually I have to pay them for their greatness. There's also the fact that Lucy is enormous. Tipping the scale at over 150lbs, how do I lay her to rest? I can't throw her in the ground with dirt on her. Without a box I can't do it. Plus, she's so big and our property is so messed up with drain lines and such that I can't risk digging a hole that size. Group cremation breaks my heart. I know I've had to do it before, but things were different then and the dog I revered as the best dog ever at the time, has since lost a distant second place to my dear Lucinda May. To throw her in with a group of strangers and discard her ashes was killing me - I'm sad to admit that I was touching the end of my rope at the thought of not being able to bring Lucy home....but you pay by the pound and when left the the choice of paying for DH's meds vs. a dogs cremation...that decision sucks.
God doesn't give you more then you can handle...I know that and that's why I need to have faith. Yesterday was a very long day at work. I have to make a decision about Lucy. The picture of her that I took off of my wall on Thursday and threw in my desk went missing and my afternoon sucked. A friend from work offered to drive me to my car but instead, took my into an office with a couple other friends I learned that a collection had been taken up to help with Lucy's bill. I was told that whatever is left is "minimal" and that the vet doesnt' care if I pay the rest $5. a month. My co-workers took the time to speak to the vet-tech who was there when Lucy died and asked her about how everything happenned. She confirmed that Lucy had received tons of Love and attention all day long and that she had dropped only seconds before I walked in. That she was alive when I got there and knew I was there too and she didn't suffer at all...Oh Gawd - how...what...ugh. And that's when I broke down. How do you say thank you for something like that?? I feel silly that such a big deal has been made over "a dog". I must seem like a wing-nut to those who don't know the history, but this meant so much more than I'm sure many of them will ever know. I also found the missing picture of Lucy. They took it out of my desk and put it in a frame that says "Dogs are what unconditional Love is all about". I cried most of the night last night...
God didn't give me more then I can handle. I don't know how I will ever be able to thank them for their kindness and thoughtfullness. I do know that I am blessed to be surrounded by so many people who care about me. My heart is still broken and I'm not out of tears...but I am Loved. And I realized that Lucy was not the only consistent and predictable thing in my life. I have friends who care about me too.
Thank you to everyone who had a part and tying a knot in the end of my rope and for making it possible for me to bring my Lucy girl home.