Thursday, March 1, 2012

New Freakin Brunswick!

Say it with me…New…Bruswick! Newwwww…Brunnnnnswiiiiiiick! New Brunswick! Yup – that’s where I live alright. For those of us who live in New Brunswick, there are a number of things that come with the package. Things that we should assume will be part of our every day and should not cause shock or panic. There are things that we have learned to deal with and move on. One of these things is snow. Again – Newwww Brunsssswiiiiick!! Snow is kinda what we do! Needless to say, what does shock me is when people panic over a pending snow storm cuz – DOOD! New-Freakin-Brunswick!!!

Last week, a snow storm warning came out for Friday Night/Saturday. No big – snow is how we roll! I – however – was not organized enough to have made my shopping list and stocked my shelves for the every day, let alone trying to prepare for a freakin snow storm. Needless to say – I found myself in need of groceries on that same day. When I arrived at the Superstore at 5:00, I grabbed the smaller cart. The one that is only big enough for a few items, but has improved maneuverability over the giant Man-Carts that we use for a full out grocery shopping trip. When I walked through the automatic doors and stepped into the produce section, though, it was absolute madness!! If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn that people were preparing for a freakin Zombie Apocolyps!! Again – say it with me – Newwww Brunswiiiiick! Good Gawd people! It’s a snow storm - Not the second coming! And honestly – it’s not likely that you’ll be trapped indoors for more than the overnight it will take to plow the roads!! I took a deeeep breath and zipped through the dazed and confused crowd, grabbing the few things I could get my hands on before heading home. Pizza meat, pasta sauce, a few veggies (we were planning to make calzone for dinner) dog food, milk, eggs, bacon (for breakfast the next day) a bag of mini eggs (cuz you gotta havem) shampoo and conditioner (the cheapest I could find) and a bottle of water (cuz I was thirsty). Then I tried to find a lineup that didn’t exhaust me just to look at it. Nowhere was there a gap that I could slide into and wait my turn! The self-scan was lined up through to the make-up isles and pharmacy! I had too many items for the express lane (which was backed up into the general merchandise section) and all other lines were backed up into frozen foods!! To make matters worse – nobody would let you through! Not even to walk down the main isle to choose a lane!! It was the one time I wished for a screaming baby in my cart, so that people would have pity and let me cut in line! And so – I decided to take a deep breath, pick out a magazine that was far too expensive to purchase and hopped into the only line that I could get to. I cracked my bottle of water – opened the bag of mini eggs and quietly read through my magazine while I waited  With the exception of the creep who kept trying to cut in line – the skinny B*&%h behind me who jammed her cart into my legs multiple times then apologized with a sarcastic giggle- and the angry nasty thing in front of me who kept giving me a dirty look every time I’d inch my cart forward a little…it was a lovely wait! I learned how to turn crocs into hanging flower baskets (very clever) how to make my own cupcake stand, how to lose 7 pounds of belly fat in 7 days…and how to convert floral wire into a darling little charm bracelet!

By the time I got to the belt, I was relieved and stressed and ready for a drink!! I quickly helped bag my own groceries while the completely stressed cashier scanned my items frantically. She seemed to exhale a little and chill, though, when I told her “you know – only crazy people are in this store tonight!” and I smiled. We had a good laugh and in a few minutes, I was on my way (A little annoyed at how chatty the cashier had suddenly become) I tossed the groceries into the trunk and plunked my exhausted behind behind the steering wheel. I looked at the clock and it was 6:20! HOLY CRAP! I called home to let DH know that I had survived. He suggested I pick up a box of appetizers at Costco, instead of trying to make calzone since that would be simple and I was already more than cranky. So off to Costco I went. The next few minutes were a bit of a blur as I made it to the bulk store, found a parking spot and dashed through the aisles of giant sized everything. I was like a startled gazelle – sprinting towards freedom (minus the exquisite muscle tone and svelte physique…and antlers – I don’t have antlers either.) I’m not sure how I did it but by 6:45 I was back in my car with a box of croissants, a Mexican party platter, a melon and veggie chips! Double Holy Crap!! I just drove from the Superstore – uptown to Costco – collected my items and made it through the check out and back to my car in 25 minutes!! As I pulled out of the parking lot, feeling the weight of crazed pre-storm shoppers being lifted from my shoulders, I noticed that I was passing a number of the poor shmucks that had haunted me at the Superstore an hour ago. I had never been more relieved to be heading home (which may have had something to do with the Clamato Cesar’s and B52 shots in my fridge! ) When I arrived home, I tossed the convenience food in my train wreck of a stove and made Dinner for my starving brood in lightning speed. The “storm” would not start for another few hours and would likely be done by morning.

The next morning I woke up to a landscape of rolling hills of white. My fir trees in were weighted heavy with snow and looked like they were about to shake themselves off like a Saint Bernard. I made breakfast (using the groceries I had hunted and gathered the night before) and drank my coffee. After that it was time to do what had to be done. I pulled on my mukluks, my gross man-coat, tuque and skidoo mitts. I set to shoveling off the front steps and walkway. I got the car cleaned off and cleared out while Dad plowed. After that, we filled the bird feeders and made a snowman…cuz I live in New Brunswick and that’s what we do when it snows…we just have to run around the grocery stores like lunatics first. 