On a long road with Lucy...

The last time I got an official weight on Lucy was well over a year ago.  She weighed 117lbs!!  She was 2 and a half at that time and I figured that she had stopped growing...and truthfully, it didn't matter how big she got after that cuz any more then 120lbs was showing off! lol

She had lost a bunch of weight when she got sick, but was too weak to put her on the scale.  The following Tuesday, though, she was improving enough that she was able to hop on on her own.  I was expecting a drop...the drop, though, was me hitting the floor!!  146lbs!!!!!  I couldn't believe it!!!  Her spirits had been up, but the next day it all cam to a stop.  By Friday she was very quiet.  Her blood levels were barely up and her immune system had kicked back in...she had also gained 4lbs and was now at 150lbs!!  We upped her sterroids over the weekend...but she hasn't improved and today is at 158lbs!!!  The weight gain alone is scary enough, but in the mean time, she has become slower and way less mobile.  She's still eating and drinking...but her breathing is forced and she's no longer coming downstairs or making efforts to be where we are.  Plus - she's soo full of fluid that her middle is like a giant tight barrel - I'm uncomfortable just petting her - she's so full.  They did more bloodwork today and the sterroids aren't enough...so...they are putting her on chemo drugs to help the sterroids do their thing, plus a fluid pill to help get some of the excess fluid off and are going to do an ultrasound of her spleen and liver (in case it's cancer)...They are keeping her for the rest of today, and tomorrow morning she has to go back in for the day for observation.

I feel numb and dead inside and so sad I can't even begin to explain.  I know I'm reaching the point where I will have to make a decision...but I just can't bare the thought.  How do you draw that line?  I know that it boils down to quality of life...but the treatment isn't making her worse - it's just not making her better. And when she looks at me with those huge brown eyes, and wags her tail just cuz I rubbed her cheek...How can I let that go?  I'm really hoping I get that miracle I've been praying for cuz the alternative is tearing me apart inside..